"Meantime, let the arrogant and successful wrongdoers flout our defence with disdain. We will meet them with it again, when it will be heard, in the day of their calamity, in the pages of impartial history, and in the day of Judgment" -Dr. Robert Lewis Dabney
Fade in:
The left side of the stage is dimly illuminated.
The audience is introduced to the Automaton Organism; a circular contraption that spins clockwise or counterclockwise. Initially, the front of the Automaton faces the audience. This portion is decked out in red velvety curtains above a granite altar. There are dim lights burning in sconces on the wall behind the altar.
All of a sudden, a storm begins to rumble in the distance. Lightning flashes periodically illuminate the Red Curtains of the dais. Soon after, wheels and cranks are heard in the background accompanied by devilish organ music - overture - Uncle Sam's Amusement. The Automaton slowly begins to turn counter clockwise, rotating 180 degrees to a full stop. It is operated by 2-3 skeleton figures(or not).
On the backside of the Automaton, Uncle Sam sits at an organ (now with his back to the audience). There are a couple of dim floor lamps and other strange contraptions cluttering the space; an old radio transmitter and a lectern. It looks like there might also be a couple of chemistry experiments bubbling from beakers and test tubes.
Smoke permeates the scene.
Uncle Sam stands and unfolds a bullwhip which he then pops in the air really loud. At this point the Automaton completely grinds to a halt. He then drops the whip and, stretching his arms up and back together above his head, interlocks his fingers, turns his hands inside out and leisurely cracks his knuckles. Then he opens his hands wide above his head and claps them three times together, picks up the whip and pops it a couple of more times. On the last pop, lightning strikes, the wheels and cogs start back up, and the dais turns 45 more degrees counterclockwise where it stops again.
Uncle Sam turns and looks at the audience now. He reaches and grabs a bottle of whiskey off of a stand, opens it, and takes a huge guzzle. It's apparent that he's quite drunk. He sets the bottle back down, hiccoughs, grins at the audience, and turns back to his organ. Then he starts banging out a tune to introduce himself. He sings it way over the top. He's obnoxious and arrogant. This song is put to the music of the old American folk classic "The Blue-Tail Fly":
When I was young I used to waaa-iiittt,
On the people who made me great,
but now I'm big and bad and bold!
And I've got the power
So, you'll do what you're told!
Jimmy crack corn and I don't give a damn,
Jimmy crack corn and I don't give a damn,
Jimmy crack corn and I don't give a damn,
'Cause my name is Uncle Sam!
Then, after laughing at his own clever brilliance, he welcomes the audience:
Uncle Sam
I want you!
I want you!
I want you...
To be for me!
To be for me!
Welcome! Ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to Uncle Sam's Amusement!
Dreams are the Commodities of the Information Age!
And I am the Dreamer!
I am the One!
Now! Now! Don't get blinded by the light.
You have joined me on a very special night.
You see, tonight, I have unlocked a dark,
Sinister, satanic secret...
the one hiding the mystery of the old bones.
Tonight I will raise the dead!
That's right! Tonight you will witness
An infernal resurrection...the darkest of all
enemies of the state; the arch-defender of
human slavery prior to the Civil War.
A Southerner!
John C. Calhoun!
My old foe who passed so long ago.
Curs-ed be his name...
Curs-ed be his game...
Curs-ed be his fame...
I will raise him tonight to remind you all of the
many sacrifices made to save the Union from this
awful monster.
Tonight, we begin our Tech-Necromancy with public
enemy of American History #1.
(whispers to the audience)
You should know about this man.
Now, I am conducting this DEMON-stration for a
number of reasons, which I will reveal in time.
Most importantly, you must understand that the country
Is under new management.
We have departed from many of the old ways.
It's the cuttin' edge, these days!
(swipes his finger across his throat)
In a world threatened by global terrorism, we have had
To take extra measures to insulate the homefront and
To strike out preemptively at our enemies abroad.
These lamentable facts required a necessary shift in our foundational power structure.
Don't worry. You are all safe now.
All for the best...All in good jest!
You see, the Republic had to grow and it
was meant to consolidate...to maintain efficiency
and to provide security and other benefits to you all.
The rides in Uncle Sam's Amusement are, after all, top-knotch
...and damn expensive to operate!
Hell! We had 10,000 dead on rides that got bigger than they were
supposed to be last year. I mean, it's all about expansion of power, ya know?
So, due to the threat of increased casualties on all fronts,
We've had to facilitate or, should I say, usher along,
THE TOTAL ABSOLUTE UNIFICATION CENTRIPETAL FUSION PRO-CESS
TO THE POINT OF COSMIC ANTI-MATTER BLACK HOLE SEED STRUCTURE!
It has been a long journey to the pinnacle where I now stand.
Tonight..my destiny is manifest. Our destiny is manifest (raises bottle).
Tonight...the country's battery bubbles from the dark grail in my hand.
(picks up the bottle of whisky and gives it a swig, laughs like a maniac)
Under my control...that's right.
I run the show now!
(laughs again)
We could no longer afford the Constitution and so we crucified John Calhoun
and his nefarious brethren...Thomas Jefferson...and...hehehehe...Ron Paul...
for their unflinching endorsement of said document.
See the dark hill of Calgary framed by the blood red sunset?
(clicks to an aesthetic rendition of Calgary Hill)
There, there, they hang on the cross of their guilty sins.
Tonight you will see the type of man who defended the indefensible.
He was a wealthy slaveowner.
(boos and catcalls echo from somewhere in the darkness,
spurring Uncle Sam on with a nodding grimace)
They say that he believed that slavery was not only necessary but was a positive gewd.
(more boos and catcalls)
He also like to hunt live, wild animals and was known to hang their racks
On the walls in his PLANTATION hall.
(some laughter)
And, his father, his father was a bad, bad man.
He liked to kill Indians!
(oooh-oooooh - sounds for a lowball cheap shot comment)
Need I say anything else?
(No! No! Nothing at all!" -from the peanut gallery)
I didn't think so. Very gewd...
Oh, but one more. I just thought of it. His mother?
His mother. I have heard...
that she wasn't very purty.
(points off in the audience and revels in his pettiness)
From the depths of hell, he shall rise
To remind you all of the darkness that lies
Beneath the visage of the whited sepulchre
Of state rights...
Let it begin...
-----
The lightning strikes, the cogs begin turning and the skeletons start pushing the mechanism round and round.
Uncle Sam turns back to the organ and starts banging out another devilish instrumental.
After a couple of rounds of building momentum, he kicks into the lyrics from the "The life and Death of John Barleycorn' or some other rebellious hymn.
The Automaton continues to rotate to the somber chords of the song. Slowly the mechanism begins to work. Smoke fumes out from around the altar. Weird lights start blinking. The head of Calhoun begins to be apparent in the smoke rising now above the altar as Sam reaches verses about resurrection.
The Automaton stops at a bit of an angle so that both Sam and Calhoun are visible to the audience...
UNCLE SAM
Hello, thar! Is that you, JC?
JC? John? John Calhoun?
Are you thar?
---
No answer from holograph. The head is slowly turning and nodding as if he is becoming acclimated to the strange new atmosphere he finds himself in.
---
UNCLE SAM
I said, 'Hello thar!'
----
Still no answer from the floating bust.
----
Where're your manners, boy?
I just pulled you from the depths of all hayll!
Do you know who I am?
---
No answer.
---
I am Uncle Sam!!!
...overlord of this earthly dominion.
I am Sam I am!
Do you know why I have brought you back?
Well, let me te--??$%*&- What the Hay---?
---
The Automaton suddenly turns, blocking the view of Uncle Sam. Calhoun interrupts him.
---
CALHOUN
To explain on what principles government must be formed in order to resist, by its own interior structure, -or, to use a single term, ORGANISM,-the tendency to abuse of power. This structure, or organism, is what is meant by CONSTITUTION, in its strict and more usual sense. And it is this that distinguishes what are called Constitutional governments from absolute.
---
Uncle Sam regains control of mechanism, blocks out Calhoun to the back.
---
UNCLE SAM
No. Stop that. That's not it at all!
We're here to talk about...your life as a wealthy slave owner.
Now, I'm in control and you live in haylll, remember?
And I will not hesitate to send you back there.
We are not here to talk about the Constitution.
The Constitution is a goddamned piece of paper!
It's quaint and while certainly quotable,
(although the particulars seem to escape me now)
it's a dead letter! Outdated, anachronistic,
hopelessly irrelevant...and boring!
CALHOUN
I had thought that the Constitution would endure forever, and that, so far from being an executed contract, it contained great trust powers for the benefit of those who created it and of all future generations which never could be finally executed during the existence of the world if our government should so long endure.
UNCLE SAM
Did you not hear me correctly, boy? I have the power to send you back whence you came! Is that what you want?
CALHOUN
Till I am convinced of error, I must act under the high and solemn responsibility of duty, though I know it must place me under the ban of the republic; as much so, as any unhappy subject who is forced to contest the power of his sovereign and for the same reason. This, however, I consider the least of evils and would willingly bear that, and, I might add with truth, martyrdom itself, if I could thereby place the liberty and union of these states on a desirable basis.
UNCLE SAM
All right! I've heard enough! You're going down!
YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE SOURCE OF POWER IN THIS COUNTRY!
Pay tribute to the master, dark minion.
See you in HAYLLLL!
---
Sam shuts down a lever. The holograph dims in and out but it does not go away. He tries it again with increasing disbelief. The sound of angels singing haunts the background. Calhoun's spirit burns brighter.
---
CALHOUN
Traced to this source, the voice of a people, uttered under the necessity of avoiding the greatest of calamities, through the organs of a government so constructed as to suppress the expression of all partial and selfish interests. And to give a full and faithful utterance to the sense of the whole community, in reference to its common welfare - may, without impiety, be called THE VOICE OF GOD.
---
Uncle Sam realizes that the spirit is now refusing to obey. He gets frustrated as the tug of war builds in intensity. The Automaton turns back and forth as Sam fights Calhoun for the audience's attention.
---
UNCLE SAM
Well, if you're God, then I am...
---
Starts to lose control in maniacal giddiness as he contemplates his promethean powers.
---
UNCLE SAM
...hahahahahah...yes, I knew it must be true
I knew I was on the verge of something great!
John Barleycorn is great!
And I am...I am Sam I am!
AND I WANT YOU!
Oh, the dream castles I've built.
DREAMS ARE THE COMMODITIES OF THE INFORMATION AGE!
I have it all!
Everything is possible!
I WANT YOU!
I WANT YOU!...
TO BE FOR ME!
TO BE FOR ME!
----
Now there's no longer any pretense. Sam is the Devil and he begins to revel shamelessly in fiery glee. He begins playing the most infernal melody he can think of (Marriage of Heaven and Hell - Don't Tread on Me). The lightning rages. The Calhoun holograph begins changing colors and amplifying in brightness.
The Automaton Organism turns back and forth clockwise to counterclockwise as Sam fights the puppet for control of the mechanism. It begins to smoke as it approaches a mega-meltdown.
There is desperation in Sam's Amusement as he begins to realize that the puppet is overwhelming him.
Eventually the Automaton comes to a halt with Calhoun facing the front.
The sounds from Uncle Sam's side have dwindled and apparently disappeared as a drowning echo; followed by a series of demonic laughs as he falls into the it of his own making.
---
CALHOUN
The error is in the assumption that the
General Government is a party to the
Constitutional compact.
The states formed the compact acting as
Sovereign and independent communities.
The general government is but its creature...
---
The vision of Calhoun burns brighter and brighter until his face is a burning sun. Light carousel music plays in the background.
Then the Automaton begins to turn again. Sam is slumped on his organ. It stops at a side angle so the Audience has a view of front and back.
Suddenly, a very different Sam rises up, one possessed by none other than the spirit of Calhoun. He stands at the lectern and begins reeling off a portion of one of Calhoun's speeches. He still seems a bit out of it and is talking like a zombie just waking up from the grave. As he talks, the Calhoun head is now just a ball of energy undulating to his voice. The roles have reversed. The puppet is now the puppeteer. Uncle Sam has unleashed something that he could not control. Now, HE is forced to amuse.
The Automaton Organism begins turning - round and round. Initially, it is rhythmic and pleasant but eventually it gets faster and faster - and as Sam approaches the end of his monologue, it gets too difficult to stay on. This scene is the real magical one - with crazy lights, disco balls, and thunderbolts in the distance.
---
A voice emerging from the ball of energy booms out:
Will the Senator from South Carolina, arise now and
Address the senator from Delaware's queries regarding the Logic behind the substantive creation of METAPHYSICAL DREAM FOUNDATION...
UNCLE SAM (possessed by Calhoun)
The Senator from Delaware calls this metaphysical reasoning, which, he says, he cannot comprehend. If, by Metaphysics, he means that scholastic refinement which makes distinctions without difference, no one can hold it in a more utter contempt than I; but, if on the contrary, he means the power of analysis and combination - that power which reduces the most complex idea into its elements, which traces causes to their first principles, and by the power of generalization and combination, unites the whole into one harmonius system; then, so far from deserving contempt, it is the highest attribute of the human mind.
It is the power which raises man above the brute - which distinguishes his faculties from mere sagacity, which he holds in common with inferior animals.
It is this power which has raised the astronomer from being a mere gazer at the stars, to the high intellectual eminence of a Newton or a La Place; and astronomy itself, from a mere observation of insulated facts, into that noble science which displays to our admiration the system of the universe.
And shall this high power of the mind, which has effected such wonders, when directed to the laws which control the material world, be forever prohibited, under a senseless cry of metaphysics, from being applied to the high purpose of political science and legislation.
I hold them to be as fit a subject for the application of the highest intellectual power.
Denunciation, may, indeed, fall upon the philosophical inquirer into these first principles, as it did upon Galileo and Bacon, when they first unfolded the great discoveries which have immortalized their names; but the time will come, when truth will prevail in spite of prejudice and denunciation; and when politics and legislation will be considered as much a science as astronomy and chemistry.
---
Sam is thrown off the Automaton and into another dimension.
Blackout - Automaton is quietly disassembled.
---
Fade In: The change is complete. Sam, at total peace with himself, and the world, gives a final address. No longer is he a personality. He has become the...
UNITED STATES
I apologize, ladies and gentlemen, the world over. I don't know what came over me. It feels like I've been under a strange spell for a long time.
Wicked Moon!
I just have one more thing to say to you tonight...
I am finally opposed to war, because peace - peace is preeminently our policy.
There may be nations, restricted to small territories, hemmed in on all sides, so situated that war may be necessary to their greatness.
Such is not our case.
Providence has given us an inheritance stretching across the entire continent from East to West, from ocean to ocean, and from North to South, covering by far the greater and better part of its temperate zone.
It comprises a region not only of vast extent, but abundant in all resources; excellent in climate; fertile and exuberant in soil; capable of sustaining in the plentiful enjoyment of all the necessaries of life a population of ten times our present number.
Our great mission as a people, is to occupy this vast domain; to replenish it with an intelligent, virtuous, and industrious population; to convert the forests into cultivated fields; to drain the swamps and morasses, and cover them with rich harvests; to build up cities, towns, and villages in every direction, and to unite the whole by the most rapid intercourse between all the parts.
War would but impede the fulfillment of this high mission, by absorbing the means and diverting the energies which would be devoted to the purpose.
On the contrary, secure peace, and time, under the guidance of a sagacious and cautious policy, "a wise and masterly inactivity," will speedily accomplish the whole.
If we avoid war, and adhere to peace, all this will be effected - effected, I trust, without the loss of our free popular institutions. I am aware of how difficult is the task to preserve free institutions over so wide a space, and so immense a population; but we are blessed with a CONSTITUTION admirably calculated to accomplish it.
Its elastic power is unequalled, which is to be attributed to its federal character.
The hope of success depends on preserving that featur in its full perfection, and adhering to peace as our policy.
War may make us great, but let it never be forgotten that peace only can make us both great and free.
---
THE END
Works Cited
----------
John C. Calhoun. A Disquisition on Government and a Discourse on the Constitution and Government of
the United States. Richard Cralle, ed. The Papers of John C. Calhoun, Vol. XXVIII. Ed. Clyde N.
Wilson. (University of South Carolina Press, 2003), 13
Alexander H. Stephens. The War Between the States. Excerpt from speech given on February 12, 1833.
(Philadelphia: National Publishing Company, 1868), 357.
Clyde N. Wilson, ed.. The Papers of John C. Calhoun, Volume XI. (University of South Carolina Press,
2003), 225-226.
John C. Calhoun. A Disquisition on Government and a Discourse on the Constitution and Government of
the United States. Richard Cralle,ed. The Papers of John C. Calhoun, Vol. XXVIII. Clyde N.
Wilson, ed. (University of South Carolina Press, 2003), pg 28
H. Lee Cheek, Jr, ed. John C. Calhoun – Selected Writings and Speeches. Excerpt taken from Calhoun’s
Fort Hill Address - 1831. (Washington,DC: Regnery, 2003), 326-7.
Alexander H. Stephens. The War Between the States. (Philadelphia: National Publishing Company 1868),
341-342.
Clyde N. Wilson, ed. The Papers of John C. Calhoun, Volume XXIV. citation taken from speech given on
March 17, 1846. (University of South Carolina Press, 2003), 225-226.
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